Hatsu's survival guide

Ever heard of a natural hat trick? It’s when a hockey player scores three goals in a row. Wayne Gretzky (some guy) currently holds the record for the most natural hat tricks accomplished by a single player -- but that was before Hatsu came along! She’s got speed. She’s got power. She’s got no legs. And one day she’s going to make Wayne Gretzky look like a preschooler playing hockey with a rubber stick and a wet stone. And, when that day comes, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is going to cry bitter tears of regret as he paces along a stormy shore, remembering the time he let his prejudice get in the way of signing on the greatest hockey player of all time. “Plants don’t play hockey, Hatsu. You’re here to look pretty, freshen my air, and be quiet!” Screw you, Gary Bettman. Screeww yooou.

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What makes Hatsu so special

Hatsu is a shade lover and prefers moist soil. Water deeply and spray her leaves to keep them cool, so she’s never allowed to dry out and wilt. If you treat Hatsu well, you’ll be able to enjoy her proposed health benefits, including her antibacterial and anti-inflammatory abilities. If you don’t treat her well, you’ll never get front row tickets to her games, and you certainly won’t get a cut of her sponsorship money. (She might mention you in her memoir, but not in a cool way).