Pip's survival guide

Pip’s nickname is Dragon’s Tail, because of his beautiful fenestrations. He’s known far and wide for his climbing abilities, which have been notoriously exploited by fairy tale princes with god complexes and sparkling teeth. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel? Let down your hair.” More like, “Pip, climb up this tower so Rapunzel can scale down your back. Then I’ll take the girl and the glory.” Doesn’t Pip deserve a palace too? Doesn’t he, at the very least, deserve a parade? Not only would he look amazing hoisted on the shoulders of peasants while they sang his praises, but he’s also been lying to his childhood friends for years about how famous he is and, at some point, they’re going to want to see the statue Prince Charming carved in his honor. And they’re going to want to take pictures.

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What makes Pip so special

Pip is both lovely and easy-to-care for, making him the ideal plant for beginners and long-time plant enthusiasts. Keep his soil slightly moist and place him in indirect light or shade. If you feel like that’s not enough, or you see his leaves start to wilt, you can mist him directly to keep him chipper. A natural born climber, Pip needs a pole to practice his skills on and to grow strong and tall. But remember, no matter how strong he looks, you should never, ever try to scale Pip. He won’t speak to you again and your mother will be embarrassed. She’ll tell her friends about you and no one will come to your birthday party. Pip will laugh at you while you sit in your kitchen alone, asking your God why he brought you into this world if it was only to suffer. Good luck.